My Immortal Commentary
by starwarsfanatic1632
Summary: This is my review on the master piece of garbage known "My Immortal" by Tara Gilesbe. I DO NOT OWN THE STORY!  Thank God. But I DO own the commentary.  RATED M FOR LANGUAGE!
1. Chapter 1

**Hello, I'm still working on my FFCC fanfic, but I'll get back to that later. For right now, I'm going to review the infamous master piece of shit known as, "My Immortal". It's a terrible, poorly written Harry Potter fanfiction basically about a vampire who goes to Hogwarts and falls in love with Draco Malfoy. I'm going to give you my thoughts on this horrible story. So, enjoy.**

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way**(Hahaha)**) raven, bloodytearz666 **(666? WTF!) **4 helpin me wif da story and spelling**(Then why does your spelling still suck?)**. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**(Learn how to fucking spell)**

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness**(What's with the apostrophe?)** Dementia Raven Way**(Who the hell names their kid that?)** and I have long ebony black hair**(Even though 'ebony' and 'black' mean the same thing) **(that's how I got my name**(Huh? You mean you were born with long black hair? Last time I checked, babies were born bald)**) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee**(Hahaha… who the shit is that?)** (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!**(As much as I want to, I promised I'd review this crappy story, so there)**). I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie**(WTF? Why would you want to be related to someone you're in love with? That's kinda fucked up)**. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin**(Aren't all vampires like that?)**. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England**(Hogwarts is in **_**Scotland**_**, you moron)** where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen**(Uh, no shit dumbass. **_**Everyone **_**at Hogwarts goes to their seventh year at seventeen)**). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell**(NAH, REALLY!)**) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there**(**_**All **_**of your clothes?)**. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots**(Who the hell cares what you're wearing? And who the fuck wears combat boots to school? )**. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow**(That's **_**a lot **_**of makeup!)**. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun**(No shit)**, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps**(What's a prep?)** stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them**(Ouch. That's harsh, don't you think? All they did was **_**stare**_** at you! Jeez, we're barely into this story, and I already hate this person)**.

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**(That suspenseful pause was **_**unnecessary**_**)**__

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly**(Shyly? Why is Malfoy out of character? Last time I checked, he was an asshole to everybody in the books )**.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

**(That's it? Even the first chapter to **_**my **_**fanfiction is longer than this!)**

AN: IS it good?**(No, it's a piece of shit!)** PLZ tell me fangz!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. **(…Fuck)**

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta**(And yet this story still sucks)**! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok**(They're not, they're giving their opinions about this shitty story)**!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom**(You woke up in your BEDROOM! I usually wake up in my closet!)**. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends**(Who the fuck designed that coffin?)**. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt**(You were wearing a t-shirt that was THAT BIG?)** which I used for pajamas. Instead**(You didn't need to put that)**, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace**(WTF!)**, combat boots and black fishnets on**(I guess Hogwarts has no dress codes, 'cause they sure have no problem with girls dressing up like whores)**. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears**(Is she a goth or a punk?)**, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!**(Huh?)**) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots.**(WHAT'S WITH ALL THE UNNESSECARY DETAIL ABOUT THEIR CLOTHES!)** We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG**(Did she really said the letters 'O-M-F-G', or was the author too lazy to write the whole sentence?)**, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall**(How did they get to Great Hall so fast?)**.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted**(Jeez, it's just a question)**.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily**(1. 'Flirtily' isn't even a real word! The word you're looking for is 'flirtatiously'!**

**2. If you say you don't have a crush on him, WHY are you flirting with him! That doesn't make any sense)**.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

**("I'm gay" replied Draco, nah just kidding.)**

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade.**(What? Why is a muggle band performing in Hogsmeade?)**" he told me.

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK**(How do you 'flam' something?)**! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl **(*facepalm* "goffik"? really?)** 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms**(What's with your slutty clothing!)**. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists**(O_0 You seriously need help, you freaking emo! There's a difference between a goth and an emo, you know)**. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding**(You probably would've bled to death, by now.)** and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner**(Why so much?)**. Then I put on some black lipstick**(WHY so much black! I understand you're supposed to be a goth, but even goths don't wear **_**that**_** much black!)**. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway**(NAH, REALLY!)**. I drank some human blood**(From who?)** so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car**(Malfoy has a flying car, too? What, did he salvage the Weasley car from the Forbidden Forest? Nah, I think I'm looking way too deep into this)**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants**(why is he dressed like a muggle?)**, black nail polish and a little eyeliner**(Wow, I didn't know Malfoy was a crossdresser!)** (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!**(What the fuck did she say?)**).

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice**(How can you shout in a depressed voice?)**.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666**(What's with them and 666? What, are they fuckin' satanists!)**) and flew to the place with the concert**(You mean Hogsmeade?)**. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs**(What? Wizards and Witches do drugs? I didn't know that. And aren't cigarettes considered drugs, also?)**. When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood

They're all so happy you've arrived

The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom

She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song**(Yeah, 'cause if you did, it would suck)**).

"Joel is so fucking**(Cartman: "Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!")** hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.

Suddenly Draco looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective**(*sarcasm* Don't you just **_**love**_** it**__**when characters are OOC? It sure is consistent, right? WRONG! )**.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking**(God, SHE SAYS 'FUCK' MORE OFTEN THAN I DO! AND IN MY CASE, THAT'S SAYING A LOT!)** Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch.**(Ouch)**" I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face**(I thought blonde was a **_**hair **_**color, not a **_**skin**_** color!)**.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer**(Beer? **_**Beer!**_** Why the hell would wizards drink beer? Isn't that why they have **_**BUTTER**_**beer!)** and asked Benji**(Who the fuck names their kid that, anyway? Well, at least it's better than 'Fred Fuchs'! {AVGN reference})** and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest**(and crashed into a tree!... well, I wish)**!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4.**(OH shit!)**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY**(What? So you were misspelling her name the whole time? Dumb shit)** nut mary su OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**(God you have HORRIBLE spelling! Did you **_**not**_** take preschool!)**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

"What the fucking**(Cartman: "Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck!")** hell?" I asked angrily. **(How did you go from being curious to angry? THIS STORY HAS NO CONSISTENCY! )**

"Ebony**(I thought it was 'Enoby'! Stupid lying bitch!)**?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts**(Thank you for telling me that 'cause I thought he was using Sharingun!)**) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness**(-_- … what do you want me to say to that!)** and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore**(*PFFT!* -_-)**.

And then… suddenly just as I **(You what? It doesn't say!)**Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree**(That poor tree. It's probably thinking, "Oh my God, please get these two fuck-nuts off me!")**. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what **(AHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHA! THAT HAS TO BE THE FUNNIEST LINE IN THIS STORY!)**and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….**(*sarcasm* Wow, that was the hottest lemon I've ever read!)**

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!**(WHAT THE FUCK! WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK WOULD DUMBLEDORE SCREAM "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"! AND WHAT WAS HE DOING IN THE FORBIDDEN FOREST ANYWAY! THIS MAKES ****NO**** SENSE!)**


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! if u flam it menz**(WHAT!)** ur a prep or a posr**(How does that make me a prep! And what the fuck is a 'posr'!)**! Da only reson**(I **_**love**_** raisins!)** Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache**(That's bullshit. You're using that as an excuse to fuck up the character's personality.)** ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! **(stup tipping lyk a dummazz!)**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws**(You mean, reviews?)**!

Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him**(Huh?)**. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**(That doesn't make any sense, why is she crying tears of blood? I know she's supposed to be a vampire, but not even **_**vampires**_** cry blood! So does Ebony have some sort of condition? Does she need to see a doctor? Who knows, who cares?)** Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**(What? What's so mediocre about it? Does McGonagall know a thing or two about where people are supposed to have sex?)**

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!**(Was yelling necessary?)**"

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well.**(Don't 'fine' and 'very well' mean the same thing?)** You may go up to your rooms.**(What, so they just let them off the hook! Why does saying "Because I love her" make it okay to have underage sex? Wow, in that case, I'm gonna go to try that at school! I'll start humping a girl and later saying because I love her! **

**{The next day} …Um…It didn't go so well. )**"

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels**(WHO THE FUCK WEARS THAT KINDA SHIT TO BED? Probably Brittney Spears. )**. When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to**(Masturbate?)** sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte**(Oh. It would've made more sense if he was masturbating)**. I was so flattered **(Which in Goth, means "I was extremely traumatized by his awful singing.")**, even though he wasn't supposed to be there**(Wait, now that I think of it, **_**how **_**did Draco get inside the girls' dormitory? Wasn't a spell casted on door so boys couldn't get in?)**. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

**(Is the chapter over? Thank God.)**


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.**(Oh no, **_**now**_** we're in for some fuck!)**

AN: shjt up prepz ok**(God, that sounded so **_**terrible!**_**)**! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple**(Couldn't you just used your wand to change it a different color? Guess she forgot. Dumbass.)**.

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk**(Disgusting Bloody Cereal: Part of this complete breakfast… bitches!)**, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top**(Nelson: "Ha-HA!")**.

"Bastard!**(Oh my God, they spilled my cereal! You bastards!) **" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face**({sings}Oh, she'll be goin' down his face when she comes! She'll be goin' down his face when she comes! )** and he was wearing black lipstick. He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's and there was no scar on his forhead anymore**(Oh God, please don't tell me you fucked up Harry Potter.)**. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden**(Who the fuck is that?)**. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko**(Uh… Okay…{Slowly backs away} WHAT'S UP WITH THAT! WAS THAT REALLY NECESSERY? That doesn't even make any sense. It's called, "Getting wet" How do I know that if I'm a boy? I read a lemon story… or two… or three… or a few million.)**.

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled**(FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! That's what I was afraid of that. Harry Potter is one of the greatest fictional characters ever, and this author turns him into **_**THIS!**__**HOW**_** could you do that! What the **_**fuck**_**!)**.

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled**(O…kay… That has to be the creepiest thing I've ever read)**.

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered**(Aww, You gonna cry?)**.

"Yeah." I roared**(YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAH! She's also crazy)**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.**(Hopefully he's gonna take Ebony outside behind the castle and murder her. *sigh* Probably not. Oh well. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go play Ocarina of Time 3D.)**


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life **(I LOVE this song! it's a shame Tara had to reference such a good song in this steaming pile of shit)**

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws**(SAY WHAT! YOU MEAN PEOPLE ACTUALLY THOUGHT THIS SHIT WAS GOOD! Maybe Tara posted reviews on her own story to make it look like people actually thought this "story" was good)**. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons **(What are 'vons' and how do you 'git' them? **! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!**(Oooh I'm so scared!)** Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok**(**_**Arnold Schwarzenegger: "BULLSHIT!" *beats up Tara Gilesbie***_**)** she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!**(Lol, she says it like it's not her fault she chooses to be a fucked up shallow-ass bitch.)** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**(But WHY is she depressed? It seems like her life is perfect. It's probably because she's pissed that her author made her into such a Mary Sue)**

Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).**(No, it sounds like someone who **_**really **_**needs counseling)** I waved to Vampire.**(**_**Vampire flipped me off, saying, "Fuck you! You ruined my character!"**_**)** Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.**(lol, you said it the wrong way, dumbass)** Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then… **(**_**he pointed his wand at me, saying "Take this, you filthy half-breed! AVADA KADAVRA!" **_**Now THAT'S something Draco would do!)**

We started frenching passively and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top.**(OH! GIGGITY-GIGGITY-GIGGITY- GIGGITY-GOO!)** Then I took off my black leather bra**(What kinda bra is made out of leather? If **_**I **_**was a girl, I'd probably think that a leather bra would be quite uncomfortable)** and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine**(WHAT! So she has a dick! What… the… fuck? Seriously, the author wrote "he put his boy's thingy IN MINE!" That is just hilarious! )** and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)**('Stupid' is an understatement)**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!** (DUN! DUN! DUUUUN! Wait, what? What d'fuck, man! What d'fuck! What d'fuck, man!)**

I was so angry.**(HULK **_**SMASH!**_**)**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, **(Oh my God, they fucked Kenny, I mean Harry! You bastards!)** jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**(Lol, wait that's not funny. Sorry)**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked.**(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! DUMB FUCK!)** He had a really big **(small)** you-know-what but I was too mad to care.**(Dude, put on some fucking cloths! Jesus Christ!)** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**(How shit writes this is just AUTROCIOUS!)**

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

**("You mad, bro?" Vampire said, hahahaha)**


End file.
